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I will be selling my beloved FJ Cruiser. It's not out of financial necessity, nor out of distaste for the vehicle. It's not even about wanting another vehicle more.

I made my bed, and was prepared to lie in it... but it's coming sooner than I planned.

It's my own fault.

What happened?

Well,...

As many of you who clicked on this thread already know, I've engaged myself in a substantial 4x4 build which has grown to life dominating proportions over the past year. Not only have I spent a substantial amount of time and money on the project myself, but I've modified the garage to accomondate it, and forced my family, willing or othewise, to accept the presence of car parts in our living spaces and the absence of a father and husband in those same spaces, as I work in the driveway.

They've handled it wonderfully. My children are so used to it by now, they think it's normal. My wife, who has known and supported me through many of my manias, handles this one with similar aplomb.

Quite frankly, I was getting away with it.

Then, I went too far.

About 6 or 8 months ago, I realized that I needed a means to move some large parts around - specifically axles. I also recognized that I was going to eventually need a vehicle to trailer my project behind, and I started looking at tow rigs. I chose a Toyota Tundra, with the blessings of my wife.

I called her from the dealership and asked her to come join me there. I had stopped there on the way home from work, only a couple of miles from the house. At the dealership, I explained to Linda that I wanted to trade her car instead of mine, reasoning that the FJ Cruiser would still be off-roadable in family mode until the project was done, and that a 4 door full sized pick up was as good or better a grocery getter than a Highlander.

I promised her that when I was done with the build, she could have whatever car she wanted, but I wanted to have BOTH the availability of the truck and the 4x4 FJ Cruiser (and the monstrosity of a garage project in the background).

She accepted the idea, but she wasn't thrilled. She loved her Highlander. She'd had the key aftermarket mommy-upgrade installed... a ceiling mounted flip down DVD player.

I fully believed she'd come to love the Tundra, too.

She hasn't.

She's grown to be OK with the Tundra... occassionally liking it.

She doesn't love it.

What I've failed to realize was that it was much worse than just being about a car. It's about our roles in the family and in the marriage. I guess I kinda knew that, but refused to internally verbalize it because putting it into words would then make me responsible to deal with it... but it always nagged at me anyhow. I'm just not comfortable being that much of a butthead, though I keep trying.

Linda accepted the crappy side of the deal out of love and support, but then ended up feeling as though her happiness was a secondary concern relative to mine. She held her tongue out of respect, but then ended up feeling as though it was creating a precedent that my role as the primary income earner was creating an asymmetry in regard to the rights to our individual persuits of happiness.

Linda, if you read this (and you will), that was NOT my intent!

Of course, what my intent DID involve was essential selfishness, self importance and self centeredness. The lack of generosity is obvious, and flies in the face of those things that I claim for myself to be priorities.

I'm taking the Tundra. I'm trading the FJ Cruiser. Linda gets whatever she wants.

So, it is with a heavy heart that I write this. However, it's not sadness over the fact that I'm trading in the FJ Cruiser. Instead, it's sadness and shame stemming from the fact that I subverted my own ethics for so long, and that the victim of my transgression was my own beloved wife.


I'll still post here... because I love the people.

I'd sell the thing to one of you because I know that a lot of you would appreciate the extensive and well considered modifications... except you all have your own already!

Peace.