? for those of you with a daughter/s

[Vegas_Nick [OP]]

So spent my entire day today helping move our 27 year old daughter back home. She finally broke it off with the douchebag she's been with for the past 8 months. I think I may have influenced her decision somewhat.

This story has lots of side trails, but let me get to my main question. I'm feeling like I'm thinking "old fashioned". So, when your daughter is married, has a boyfriend, lives with a guy, etc., do you think he should help keep maintenance done on her vehicle? This was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

When I bought my FJ, I gave my daughter my 2005 Scion XB. The thing was like new. Oil changes every 5,000, air filter never saw dirt, tires like new, and the thing always stayed waxed, washed, etc. You get the picture. He kept telling her "I've got it, I'm taking care of it". She was up at our house last week and she said the front door locks had quit working and wanted me to have a look at it. So, I did and found the end of both actuators were completely broken off. She finally admitted that he slammed the doors so hard it rocked the truck. So peeved, I started looking the truck over and find oil that looked like road tar, battery cables growing science experiments and an air filter you could grow corn on. I freaking came undone. (not on her, but on him) I just told him that he asked my permission to be with her and apparently I was not clear on my expectations when it came to caring for my little girl. He was one of these guys that I always had to tell to pull his damn pants up if he was coming in the house anyway.

Now quick backstory, my daughter is adopted so I didn't get to spend those formative years with her like I did with my son who was racing go karts by 6.

When I grew up, I got a set of tools for my 6 year birth day. I had a welder by 12! Motorcycles, go karts, Caterpillar tracked dozer, whatever. If it broke, we fixed it. As long as it ran when we put it back together life was good. I remember being in that 6-7 year old range under the hood of my dads 68 Ford pickup truck sitting on the fenderwell learning how to change spark plugs and such.

So, question is...do you expect the same out of the guy that is with your daughter? Did you teach your daughter these skills to fend for herself? (I'm working on that now)

[MontanaFJ61]

Dude. This is so scary, it's not even funny. Literally we have parallel lives.
Suffice it to say. My story is 99% the same as yours. Only detail. I can't get my (also not my birth daughter - I don't use "step" and her sperm donor wouldn't allow me to adopt the girls (2) when they were little) to leave this guy. Girls are now 27& 29.
I grew up like you did (back east in PA) and I have had to bite my tongue and reset my expectations almost weekly for the last 7 years.
I'm with you 100% don't know what it's worth, but seriously, I coulda written your post. Best of luck to you all.


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[FJ Voodoo Girlie]

I don't have a daughter, but here's my take...a female's point of view.

It's really important for girls these days to be as independent as possible. Dads, teach your girls as much as you can. Teach them as you would a son. How to change a tire, change oil, what to do should your brakes ever fail while driving. I know they may not seem interested at the time, but they'll eventually thank you in the long run.

I don't think they should have a guy around to do all the maintenance. I know most women aren't car savvy and therefore may neglect regularly scheduled oil changes, etc., BUT, you gave her the car, so she should be responsible for it, not him.

I guess I'm not the typical female, as I grew up in my dad's garage, helping him build his weekend warrior. I remember being 9 years old and him shoving me underneath the car to help put some new rear shocks on. Some of my favorite memories of him were spent at Sears Point, Willow Springs and Riverside watching him race with the Shelby Club. I thank him every day that he passed down the car gene and that if need be, I can do some basic stuff. I may not know a lot about my FJ right now, but that's why I'm here, to learn. Granted, I grew up a bit of a Tom-boy. I had my dad to teach me about cars and how to play baseball and soccer. My mom was around for the girlie things. I guess you could say I had the best of both worlds.

It seems like a good thing the bf is gone. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise for her to be more independent...and maybe you two can have some bonding time over an oil change teaching session


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[Tank Girl]

I was raised the old fashioned way on a farm, but I also went to Agricultural college, learned how to build fences, brickwork, welding and basic mechanics. After all I lived on a Island where if it broke and you couldn't fix it, you were screwed!
Before I met and married my wonderful husband, I had a really lousy track record with guys, so I was a single parent for a while. I have raised all my kids to be independent in as many things as possible. They haven't always appreciated the lessons, but I know one day they'll thank me. I don't think it matters whether our kids are male or female, they should be raised the same. I like to think technology wont be around for ever!
Just my 2cent's worth

[FJ&TJ_Dude]

28 its time to cut her loose.. I say that respectfully because no one will ever grow up when held up.. I have two boys who want to spend every second with me.. My X said today "you would think I beat them because when I'm available they want to be with me immediatly!!

I keep telling her a walk in the woods and finding rocks and sticks is funner to a kid than any toy you buy and then ignore them with..

[Rsivley]

My Daughter is 3 1/2 and my son will be born on May 09th 2013 ( if the world doesn't end in 19 days ).

My daughter has a craftsman toy set and wants to fix everything in the house. If she can't rebuild a Chevy 350 blindfolded upside down by the time she's six I will feel like a complete failure.

Same goes for firearms and her Uncle is a Brazorian Style Ju-Jitsu instructer.
Other Uncle is a State trooper.

I don't expect my daughter to need a "man" to take care of her. I more expect her BF to be asking me how to live with her heheh.
I can imagine your pain and frustration. Me personally I would go buy a project and dedicate some time to work on it with her. Teach her the basics while she copes with her lost love. Wish you the best of luck bud!

[MontanaFJ61]

I think y'all are misunderstanding. I didn't raise my girls to be "taken care of". They're tough as nails and very independent.
However, I'm old skool and think a man should take care of certain things. Not every woman (or man) is interested in changing oil or detailing a car. Not every guy likes to vacuum and do laundry. I do it all because I like it.
Men need to take care of their families. How much of those duties the woman wants to do is up to her.

[Abu Layla]

Well I'll tell you this, when i first met my wife she didn't know how to put gas in her car (I'm not kidding), yet her dad expecting me to do all the things that you listed as well as he did if not better, and he used to be a mechanic. And you know, i knew i had to do it in order to keep things at peace with him, and i was fine with that. She is much better now though .

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[Vegas_Nick [OP]]

Wow! Some very interesting points of view and a parallel life!

Now one point is that had I been in her life when she was younger, she would have know the basics. Like Montana said, I am not (and have not been since she has been with me) raised her to be taken care of, but moreso to have expectations that a man that says he loves her would take care of her. I mean I expected the guy to at least know how to check the oil! I'm the kind of guy that still opens the car door for my wife and such and that is really how I expected my daughter to be treated. Kids her age just don't do that kind of stuff any more.

I grew up in the south. I think some of it may be geographic. My ex wife could build an engine or lay a bead with a mig as good as I could! Problem was she could drink and fight like a man too.

I have been working with her on many life lessons. I taught her to shoot, and I swear she shot my Mosin Nagant till her shoulder was black and purple. She was a natural. I know at her age she maybe ought to be off on her own, but she had a very rough start and this guy beat her self esteem into oblivion, so having her around for a while is going to be nice.

[Tank Girl]

MontanaFJ61 previously said:

I think y'all are misunderstanding. I didn't raise my girls to be "taken care of". They're tough as nails and very independent.
However, I'm old skool and think a man should take care of certain things. Not every woman (or man) is interested in changing oil or detailing a car. Not every guy likes to vacuum and do laundry. I do it all because I like it.
Men need to take care of their families. How much of those duties the woman wants to do is up to her.

I understand what your saying, and agree completely with you. I have raised my daughters to be capable to survive on their own, and my sons to respect and look after their partners completely. I was raised old school.....a woman's place is in the home and to do all the wifey stuff, while the man is the bread winner and supports his family.
But sometimes it can take awhile to find that perfect other person, so until that day came, I wanted my kids capable of providing and maintaining themselves.